I Had No Idea

I came across a blog that deals with sexuality in the context of LDS belief and practice. It is actually a series of podcasts with an LDS sex therapist. What I have heard is useful. This episode deals with a question from an LDS man whose wife refuses him sex altogether. (Second question in the podcast).

Men, Is Your Relationship Properly Balanced?

One of the challenges of having an urgent sexual need is that it puts your wife in a position of control. So in this feminist age what is wrong with that? Shouldn't she have some say so?

Men, would you have intercourse without orgasm?

The typical motivation for sexual intimacy is the pleasure of an orgasm. This pleasure is experienced individually by the partners in the act. I contend that it is impossible for a man to feel his wife’s orgasm and likewise for a woman to feel her husband’s. Oh yes, either may feel some contractions and certainly will see some evidence of it in the face, posture, breathing, and vocalizations of his or her partner but neither feels the other’s pleasure. Neither experiences the endorphin rush or any of the bodily changes up to and include the release of tension that has been built up in the other's body. 

Ejaculation

I am fully licensed for orgasm. I am faithfully, legally and heterosexually married and within the constraints of my wife’s consent, I am free to ejaculate at will with no guilt and no shame. What a privilege.  

Faith and the Body

The notion of God's existence is a proposition that cannot be proved directly by the senses. We cannot seek him with our eyes, our ears, our nose, our taste or our touch.  But yet we persist in the satisfaction of our senses with the vain expectation that sensuality and the discovery of God are unrelated or, even worse, that sensuality is a route to the discovery of God.

Can anyone find anything in the scriptures or prophetic record that suggests that the senses are the source of spiritual understanding? What does Romans 6:12-13,16,19 say? How about Jude 1:14-20? It is impossible to see God with the senses.

Paying for a Cow When the Milk is Free

https://pjmedia.com/lifestyle/2014/3/29/the-best-kept-sexual-secret-on-a-hook-up-campus/?singlepage=true

Obviously my headline is sarcastic. I do not believe that women have sex just for sex's sake. Maybe partly but mostly I think women are looking for a relationship. Frankly there are very few men who can give a woman a thrill on their first encounter.

Guys, you need to get control of your "feel good now" demand and gals you need to look for commitment from someone who has control of his "feel good now" impulse.

To the bridegrooms on the eve of their marriage

Young men:

I have some thoughts for you on the beginning of your marriage. You have found a young woman you love and you are about to be married. Up to now, you have had a lot of fun together and perhaps you have even had some difficulties as you hashed out issues of money, housing and family. Hopefully these issues are settled. You know each others debts, you know a lot about each others likes and dislikes, you have had some tender talks about family and future. Perhaps you have even discussed the intimate relationship that you are about to experience.

I expect that you don't know much and I also hope that you recognize that what you do know is irrelevant.

Until you are in an intimate relationship, you don't know anything about an intimate relationship.

To chaste and virtuous brides

I address this to virtuous young women near the beginning of marriage. I hope that you and your intended have had a happy courtship. By now you should know quite a bit about him. You may not yet have discussed some of your intimate expectations. What follows may be the basis for some of the discussion.

Recognizing Truth

Pornography is an utter lie. I am convinced that if people recognized the lie they would be appalled and they would turn away from it. But I am also convinced that we don't start by showing them the lie and trying to describe the lie in it.

Modesty 3

This picture is timely:

We do teach men to behave themselves. A real man would not behave in an unseemly way toward a woman who was entirely naked. But should women then feel free to run about naked? 

Hypothetically, as long as all the men around were real men then she should be safe. 

Breaking in to houses to steal things is never the fault of the householder even if he leaves the door unlocked. But we know that there are thieves in the world so we lock our doors. 

A Digital Lecture

To young married couples.

Thank you for being virtually here tonight and allowing me to address a few topics related to marriage. Tonight we will speak about intimacy and particularly differences in level of desire. We will propose some responsibilities and obligations that each spouse can undertake to reconcile their desires.

Modesty 2

I posted previously on modesty and have been reflecting further on that post.

The first knowledge of Adam and Eve (and allegorically our first knowledge) is nakedness. Nakedness is vulnerability. It is awareness of mortality and the threats to the body. It is even an awareness that the body may not be fully under our control. 

Certainly a child learns about his body when he first starts to recognize it and control it. 

What was Adam and Eve's response?

Natural Family Planning: A Thought

I have a few thoughts on natural family planning (NFP) and a few questions. Remember that I don't have any particular objection to artificial contraception. But I tend to think that there is a conceit in NFP. If someone thought that conception was a key purpose of the marital embrace then it seems to me that they would limit their intimate relations to the days that they were most likely to conceive. 

Let's make a hypothetical: If the conditions of ovulation, insemination and conception could be known with utter certainty based on feasible and simple physical measurements would restraint from sexual relations during that period of time be a virtue? What if the timing could be specified down to one day per month? How much self control would that take?

Modesty I

The scriptures tell us that Adam and Eve were naked together in the Garden of Eden and were not ashamed. Why did they eventually cover themselves? They ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and their eyes were opened. At that point they discovered themselves as objects and they realized the possibility of their objectification. They also recognized a gap between what they saw and the ideal.

Spiritual Disciplines

What are spiritual disciplines? What purpose may they serve?

The spiritual discipline that comes first to mind for many is fasting–the periodic abstention from nutrition usually accompanied by prayer.  Fasting is alluded to in the Law of Moses as afflicting oneself.

Afflicting oneself evidently meant refraining from sustenance but that isn't really all that clear. In any event, whatever was meant, abstaining from food became a spiritual practice.

The practice was criticized by the prophet Isaiah. He saw a people who want through the motions of fasting and even had what would appear to us to be good intentions. But he condemned them as self serving. He demanded that the fast be a day to:

…loose the bands of wickedness, …undo the heavy burdens, and … let the oppressed go free, … break every yoke… deal thy bread to the hungry, and … bring the poor that are cast out to thy house… when thou seest the naked, … cover him; and … hide not thyself from thine own flesh….

It would not be incorrect to say that the heavy burdens are material poverty but it also may be incomplete to leave it at that. There is also a deep spiritual poverty in the world and many are in the clutches of sin. How can our fasting relieve their burdens?

One of the effects of fasting is that our body experiences the pangs of hunger and dissatisfaction. Fasting nourishes in us an empathy and helps us resolve to do our part to relieve the burden others feel.

Fasting is also a way for us to confront temptation in a safer way and demonstrate to ourselves that it is possible to resist it. Christ's fast in the wilderness is a model for our fast as we confront Satan in our weakness. But it can be a safer confrontation as we protect ourselves from the proximity of sin.

Fasting can prepare us for the world outside as we examine the pangs of appetite and the desire to serve our appetites and recognize the need for godly power and spiritual direction to confront it.

Is it wise for married men and women to abstain from sexual gratification from time to time? The Apostle Paul thought so. Paul came from the Law of Moses requirement for ritual  purity when men and women were required to abstain from sexual relations until her menstrual uncleanness was ended.

This is a decision that couples should seek spiritual guidance on. It is true that married people may occasionally be forced to abstain from sexual relations. A man may be deployed in the military, a woman may be ill or may be restricted from sexual relations during a precarious pregnancy. Work related travel may keep spouses apart for some period of time. There is no provision in our covenants of chastity for relief except with each other.

Consequently, it may be a worthy discipline, in controlled conditions, for husbands and wives to practice abstention from sexual relations for periods of time.

But what benefit? If this is self centered and self serving it is of no benefit. There are many in the church who have no licit outlet for their sexual desires. They are striving to live chaste lives. Married men and women can learn about their struggles through their voluntary abstention from sexual relations.

But as Christ, said we are to wash our face and anoint our heads and not appear to men to be fasting. No one will explicitly know of of our fast but it can build strength in us that strengthens those around us. It can help us when we teach youth the law of chastity even when we have the opportunity to enjoy blessings that others must forgo. It strengthens our resolve and commitment to be obedient.

Yes indeed we must not allow this discipline to tempt us for our incontinency but we can practice it in awareness and faithfulness.

Marital Intimacy

After reading a few of my posts you may mistakenly conclude that I have something against marital intimacy, specifically sexual intercourse with climax and ejaculation. You would be wrong to reach such a conclusion.

This act is specifically required to conceive a child. Procreation is a God given duty of married men and women who have the capacity for bearing and raising children.

So just procreation, one may ask? No the marriage bed is honorable in all and so are all the acts of the marriage bed that are mutually agreeable to husband and wife. They are good. They are agreeable to God and he can bless them. But there may be even better virtues to cultivate in a marriage. It may be worthy and desirable for a couple to learn how to exercise restraint in their relationship. This can take many righteous forms over the course of a marriage. After the early days of a marriage have waned and some of the excitement of the marital act has been dulled by experience, a couple may want to consider adopting a frequency (but not a schedule) that is controlled by the wife (or the partner with less urgent needs). At an agreeable frequency she initiates the marital act. But this is not on a schedule. Husband cannot expect that he will have sex on Tuesday and Saturday. He thus learns that he cannot call forth pleasure on a demand. He can no longer impose his will on his wife inconveniently.

Later in a marriage perhaps a couple can learn how to experience non-orgasmic intercourse. This is a discipline of desire that place the urges of the body in subjection to the mind.

None of these disciplines are possible for men and women who use porn or practice masturbation. These have no place at all in a marriage (or in anyone else's life).

Why would anyone do these things? To yield their members as instruments of righteousness, to learn how to bridle our passions, and, to learn how to not offend.

We ask the unmarried of the church to master their bodies perfectly. Perhaps it is an even greater virtue to deny ourselves the licit pleasure of sex for the opportunity to perfect our example even though the example is not spoken.

Eunuchs

The typical definition of a eunuch is a man who has been emasculated. He has no capability to reproduce. Moses barred eunuchs from the sanctuary. This isn't surprising. From Abraham the religion of Israel was a promise that through their seed the nations of the earth would be blessed and that his seed would be innumerable.

Circumcision was a token of this covenant. In fact it was the sign of the penalty for disobedience to the covenant. Obey or the cut goes all the way. In effect, a eunuch was a man who had been rendered incapable of participating in the Abrahamic covenant and was barred from its blessings.

But wait a minute! Isaiah restores faithful eunuchs to the temple. He promises them a name better than sons or daughters. But there is a condition. They must keep the sabbath.

How can we see this as so? Surely we are the product of many generations of sexual reproduction. All physical capacities from head to toe are an inheritance from our parents. But there is a part of us that comes through the word of God that enters in to us through our ears and eyes and forms our souls. A eunuch can participate fully in the planting of the word. Isn't teaching, worshipping, and studying on the sabbath a form of transmission of the word (seed) of God?

So let us broaden the definition of eunuch to include those who choose chastity and a single state for the kingdom of heaven's sake. In some cases circumstances choose it for them but those who keep it faithfully choose it back. Christ promised such great blessings.

I believe that these blessings accrue to married men and women with children who consecrate their marital embrace to self control. Their unspoken and unknown restraint builds in them a quality that blesses others with no need to ever speak of it directly. They are, in their special way, eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake.

Matthew 19:11-12

But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

This is Matthew 19:11-12. What did Jesus mean by this? In particular what did he mean by those who make themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake? Catholics think it is the conscious choice for celibacy. Perhaps. Would this blessing not be available to the married? I contend that it can be and even to married couples who enjoy intimacy. 

Remember that a eunuch as a servant who protects his master's harem so that only the master can pass on his seed. So in the sense that a man makes sure that only God's word (seed) is passed on to others, then he becomes a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven. But while this may have some validity it is too universal to apply in the context of a discussion of marriage. Every man is called to be so faithful to God's word that he does not pollute it with his own word.

Men and women have liberty in marriage to have sexual satisfaction for its own sake. But when they choose to elevate their relationship so that sexual satisfaction is no longer a self serving object of the marital relationship they become eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. 

Grace

I saw a meme recently. It said that grace didn't save Noah, obedience did.

Quite a mistaken understanding of grace. Grace did indeed save Noah. God told him to build the ark. Without the warning what of Noah? Naught.

The point of Noah's obedience was not to save himself but rather to pass the grace on to his family and to his posterity. Noah on the ark alone would have been pointless. The grace shared does indeed bless Noah but only shared grace blesses anyone. And the only greater blessing than the receipt of grace alone is the blessing that comes from passing it on.

Nothing I write in Continent Mormon can rightfully be understood without reflecting on this reality.

Overcoming

In previous blog posts I have discussed overcoming the sexual urge. Overcoming does not necessarily mean celibacy or absolute rejection of any sexual expression. Overcoming is available to married people who do enjoy intimate relations.

Overcoming is mastering the sexual appetite so that you dominate it not that it dominates you.

This statement has the taste of paradox. If the sexual appetite is expressed in lawful intimacy has it been overcome?

Yes. To an extent reserving it for lawful marital intimacy is a measure of overcoming.

Is that the extent of overcoming? No. Even within lawful expression there are opportunities for mastery that will edify.

So restricting oneself to that which is lawful is a measure of overcoming. Extending one's mastery and restraint to other levels may edify.

There is a continuum of opportunities. Perhaps at its very highest is the restricting of marital relations to the full intention of conception and procreation (not in any neurotic or puritanical way but in the fullness of unselfish love.)

There may be many levels of overcoming in between. But in no case is overcoming to be sought for one's own benefit. Overcoming only occurs when the effort to overcome is fully intentioned to the welfare and salvation of others.

Creating a Mind

LDS doctrine teaches that intelligence is uncreated and co-eternal with God. It also teaches that intelligence was formed into a spirit by God, indeed by a Heavenly Father and Mother. The Church doesn't fully define all the attributes of intelligence nor does it define all of the incidents of intelligence that are innately present in the soul or are learned by the soul in its pre-mortal existence.

It seems clear in LDS doctrine that souls have the faculties of reason and discrimination. They could choose to obey or disobey.

But the soul is not complete as it is born into its mortal existence. It gains a body but many faculties must be cultivated and developed. Experience must be gained. Choices must be made. All of this happens in the mind. All of this happens in the body. Mind and soul and body can be spoken of together.

Critical to the formation of the soul is the mastery of the body. The body is the seat of animal instincts that cause us to have appetites and drive us to reproduce. These instincts cannot be ignored. They are not realistically things that can be turned on and off.

Their proper use is to be placed under the dominion of the mind. This is the human struggle. The success of this endeavor can truly be described as overcoming. It is impossible to succeed in this without the grace of Jesus Christ who affords us the example of the cross and of the tomb. It is impossible to succeed in the endeavor if it is purposed to one's own salvation. It can only be overcome by participating fully in the creation of other obedient minds.

Single people may be full participants in the creation of minds that know and obey. They have the example of Jesus Christ and his suffering. They have the opportunity to share that example. They have the opportunity to plant the seed of faith in other minds. They have the opportunity to disciplines their drives and urges as examples to others.

Husband and wife have these opportunities as well as they learn to discipline and focus the creative urges of their bodies.

The Paradox of Sex

You can look at the video in my previous blog describing the fertilization of the egg and marvel over the specialization of nature that supports sexual reproduction and the creation of an individual out of two others.

But you could look at every other organ and feature of the human body as a mechanism and feature to support reproduction. Nervous, digestive, respiratory, circulatory, lymphatic systems etc. all support the creature that creates.

A pure materialist sees sex as the ultimate point of creation. Even mind takes a back seat.

But the modern materialist is likely to dismiss the procreative part of sex in favor of the pleasure of sex--just because. To a materialist the function of mind is to allow the discretion for pleasure without the "accidents" of the pleasure.

As important as the reproductive powers are, there is a more important power that must be used in conjunction with this sexual power. It is the power of the mind connected to the Spirit.

Two bodies in the marital embrace can produce four, six or eight or more bodies. But one mind can plant its seed in millions of bodies.

Jesus spoke of this in John 6. We are to eat his body and drink his blood. Why? So that we may have him in us. In us means in our minds and in our hearts and in our souls. Out of the two of us, God and man, One. John speaks of this elsewhere. When we have God's seed in us we cannot sin. The power of the body in the marital embrace is great and necessary but the power of the mind and soul in God's embrace is greater. The creation of a mind and soul that can be united with God is the purpose of all creation. The highest function of our body is to cooperate in that creative act by making souls and minds that receive God's seed.

Here is the paradox: the sexual urge is required to create the mind. The righteous overcoming of the sexual urge is required to create a mind that is one with God. Men and women use their bodies as instruments of righteousness in the marriage bed to create bodies and brains. They join in the home to create minds that can choose to be one with God. They further join in the body of Christ to extend this spiritual power to those children who were not conceived with the intention of their union with God.

All of the body of Christ must be joined together in creation of souls that have received God's seed. This is the ultimate purpose of the body and its faculties.

The Miracle of Sexual Reproduction: Fertilization of the Egg

God created a remarkable force that leads to the creation of one individual out of two.  This video is a remarkable animation of the process of sperm fertilizing an egg. The faculties of the body that promote this are truly miracles:

Same Sex Attraction

Many choose to plug their ears and not listen to what Elder David A. Bednar is saying. These people tend to be those who believe that sexual satisfaction is a divine right. Some of the comments on the blog at MillennialStar.org are insightful

Birth Control

This is an authoritative link on LDS policy with regard to birth control.  Couples are free to use birth control but an elective abortion is against church policy.

Mormons are not Catholics. We have no concern about wasting seed in the marriage bed. Men and women typically have abundant supplies. There are no sexual acts that are prohibited as long as the couple are mutually agreeable in the fullest sense of mutual and agreeable. Exclusivity is always required.

Intimidation and selfishness are always sins in any context.

Liberty

One of the blessings of marriage is that it grants liberty to husband and wife to understand how God allows sexual intimacy to bless a marriage. They are free within wide bounds to explore their feelings and passions and learn for themselves how they best can express them to bless their marriage, their family and the body of Christ.

This is a huge blessing There is no need for a husband and wife to feel guilt about their sexual feelings as long as they are experienced consistently with their covenants which is that they are shared exclusively without coercion and imposition.

Men and women are only accountable to each other and God for their choices and actions in the marriage bed.

There are no forbidden caresses, touches, positions, embraces or actions in the marriage bed if husband and wife freely permit them to the other, they are exclusive to each other, and they are not obtained under any program of duress or manipulation. "That sounds like fun" is permission enough and when God hears that he pulls the blinds and does not look in on the marital act until one spouse rejects or resists the request of the other. In liberty, the consequences are the responsibility of the couple. Clearly an informed couple will reject anything that could led to pain, injury or disease. The bed is sanctified by complete and un-coerced mutuality, respect, and forbearance.

We recognize that marriage and the mutually free expression of sexual love is good. But is there better, and best in the relation of husband and wife?

I say yes. While sexual bliss may be a good of a husband and wife that is sought frequently and passionately, a better may be to master the passions and control their expression.

What might be some objectives of the exercise of some restraint and self control in the marriage bed?

In spite of marital license, it could be healthy to place oneself in the position of some other who is under constraint not to enjoy the pleasures of the marital embrace. Jesus expressed this in Matthew 19:11-12 when he said that some choose to be eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Given the Law's prohibition on castration I can hardly imagine that he meant self mutilation. Given gospel teachings on the function of the family, neither can I imagine that he meant childless celibacy. I believe that he extolled self control and consecrating ejaculation and orgasm to building the kingdom of heaven. He acknowledged that not all can receive this.  By so saying he permits the pleasure of the marriage bed but points us to a better that is available to all including those who choose marriage and experience its blessings.

Even the married can experience the blessings of that which not all can receive by the exercise of their liberty. They need not resolve every desire with orgasmic bliss. They can contain. They can fast for periods of time and then return to the bed and each other lest they be tempted for their incontinency.

By so doing, they voluntarily experience that which others under constraint actually must experience. They take upon themselves a measure of the burden that the obedient unmarried bear or the burden of someone married who cannot enjoy sexual bliss due to the illness, disability, infirmity, or absence of the spouse. No other need know of the self restraint but those who are exercising such restraint help bear the burden of the others by their voluntary suffering. They experience the pain and longing of others and can be in a better position to empathize in godly ways. Their disciplining of their bodies becomes a spiritual, unspoken, and unlauded sacrifice. It creates integrity in their teaching of chastity and self control.

Such fasting may also strengthen the marital and family bonds. How might this benefit the couple? They come to see each other not as objects for self gratification but as occasions for self restraint and forbearance. It is certainly not uncommon for couples to have asymmetric sexual desire. One wants it more than the other which creates an occasion for the less needy one to use the other's urgency as a tool for control. We frequently condemn the needy partner for objectifying the spouse with urgent desires but is there not an objectification from the other direction as the needy partner becomes the object to be controlled? With mutually agreed voluntary restraint, both relinquish the desire to control the other either by selfish demands or contingent responses to those demands.

There is more to explore in the area of voluntary fasting from orgasmic satisfaction in the marriage bed. Future blogs will explore this and the varieties of orgasmic fasting that a husband and wife may want to consider.

Same Sex Attraction

I am somewhat distressed when I see some of the social media comments of LDS friends who claim to be true to the doctrines of Mormonism. They bewail the church's stand on same sex marriage. They are openly critical of the church's positions on transgenderism.

I believe that many Mormons have come to feel that sexual satisfaction is a divine right, ordained by God for all to experience. Sexual satisfaction is a type of divine bliss, an entry into the presence of God.

Baloney!

Let's pose a fact scenario. A man and woman marry. They consummate their marriage but within a few years and months the wife contracts a wasting disease that means that sexual intimacy must end. Let's say it is rheumatoid arthritis. Back, knees and hips are severely affected and sexual relations become unendurable for the wife.

She asks her husband to end intimacy.

Well that doesn't end the husband's desire. Is he given a dispensation from his vow of fidelity so that he can seek satisfaction elsewhere? Which is a higher virtue: fidelity to one's spouse or sexual bliss?

Faithful LDS must choose fidelity. 

Same sex attraction can be seen in the same light. Acting on the attraction is not lawful. What is the higher virtue: obedience to God's law or sexual satisfaction?

What about a single person with heterosexual desire? Can they satisfy themselves in unmarried relations? Can they satisfy themselves in auto-eroticism?

I think that we have to say no.

But saying no introduces a voluntary discipline for healthy married LDS who can lawfully enjoy sexual relations and the pleasure that attends them. They need to examine their motivations for sexual intimacy and seek for ways to channel it into godliness. 

We do know that godly sexual relations are intended for two purposes:

1. Procreation

2. Marital unity

But is the satisfaction of physical lust a feature of marriage or is it a hindrance to procreation and unity? How does one control the demands of the body while fulfilling the divinely ordained purposes of sexual intimacy? 

How does one consecrate their marital relations to the good of the body of Christ so that those relations sanctify all members of the body of Christ, the married with disabilities, the members with same sex attractions or other disordered attraction, and, the single with normal attractions and desires.

These are some topics I want to address in this blog.

Pornography and Masturbation

The problem of pornography

Pornography is an objective evil. Pornography is a tool to incite concupiscence. It is produced through acts of whore-mongering, fornication, adultery and other acts of uncleanness. In no event can pornography be justified.

But pornography is often condemned in and of itself without condemning the even worse behaviors that it is intended to provoke. The most frequent acting out caused by pornography is masturbation. Condemning pornography then becomes a condemnation of masturbation. But condemning pornography without condemning masturbation may give some who do not view pornography license to masturbate.

This is a risk that we frequently take in our condemnation of pornography.

Go to lds.org and do a search for the word pornography. The number of hits is enormous. There are talks and articles all the time condemning pornography and its consumption. Do a search for masturbation. Not so much.

But which is more evil, pornography or masturbation? Certainly the actual production of pornography can be much more evil than an act of masturbation. But once produced which is more evil? Looking at an image with no arousal or acting out? Or masturbating with no reference to a pornographic image?  

I submit that the masturbation has a more corrosive impact on the soul. By focusing our condemnation on pornography we have created a cover and an opportunity for masturbation.

There is no doubt that masturbating is a more common behavior than viewing pornography. Masturbation seals the impact of pornography in the brain and mind and even where there is no pornography, masturbation is a self centered act that creates addiction and dependency and introduces disorder into the God-ordained purposes of sexual intimacy.

Masturbation enshrines pleasure and gratification as the ultimate purpose of the sexual act. God ordains procreation and faithful union as its ultimate purpose.

Masturbation teaches us that pleasure is readily available. It teaches us that we are the masters of our pleasure. We can have it whenever we want it. A young man who marries with a long habit of masturbation is apt to find that marital intimacy is kind of flat and uninteresting. Involving a second person in one’s pleasure is difficult. The other person cannot get inside one’s head and have the precise control that one has mastered over years of self pleasure. Wife cannot drive the pleasure engine as well as husband can himself. Marital sex is apt to be disappointing. So what does our young sexual aesthete do? He tries hard to enlist his spouse into his pleasure regimen. He adopts a strategy of projecting his needs on to her and tries to turn her into a mirror image of himself. “Surely if she experiences orgasmic bliss the way I do she will become more effective at satisfying my needs.” This is what he calls “giving”. If she isn’t fully responsive to his demands he returns to his self pleasure and even to pornography.

This has become our modern norm. We guilt women into orgasms. Why? Because we need them to participate fully in our masturbational fantasies?

What is the solution? We need to reorder male orgasm and ejaculation back to procreation. We need to recognize masturbation for the evil that it is and we need to teach our youth the high ideals of self control.

We cannot do this without speaking candidly about masturbation. We cannot do this while we make masturbation something so shameful that it can never be discussed. We cannot do this without recognizing the ubiquity of masturbation. We cannot do this by surrounding our homes with firewalls to keep masturbation out.

Why?

Because almost every young boy can discover masturbation without any influence other than his own instincts and curiosity. So when should we talk about it? What comes first: the discovery of the pleasure; or, a discussion of it? What if our discussion of it provokes the curiosity to experience it? Once experienced will it be then hidden by shame? How can a father or mother have an ongoing and honest dialog about masturbation without being intrusive, appearing prurient, or introducing guilt and shame? What system of accountability can a young man have that helps him order his natural drives and appetites in a godly way? How can a young man legitimately experience the godly feelings of attraction and arousal without experiencing shame and guilt that should come from masturbation? Feelings of attraction and arousal are real and genuine and are to be experienced. How can he experience them in a way that increases his spiritual strength instead of dissipating it?

These are problems and issues that I will discuss in subsequent blog posts. I invite thoughtful comments.

One thing that I feel strongly about is that we must not teach that marriage is an automatic license to orgasm and ejaculation. Don’t we do this when we say that all our feelings of arousal can find satisfaction in marriage? Don't we do this when we tell young people that everything will be okay once they are married?

In saying this I do not intend to say that orgasm and ejaculation in marriage is evil. It is approved. It can be experienced without guilt, shame or apology. The marriage bed is honorable in all. But I do want to suggest that our liberty in marriage is an opportunity to cultivate higher and nobler emotions.