Men, would you have intercourse without orgasm?

The typical motivation for sexual intimacy is the pleasure of an orgasm. This pleasure is experienced individually by the partners in the act. I contend that it is impossible for a man to feel his wife’s orgasm and likewise for a woman to feel her husband’s. Oh yes, either may feel some contractions and certainly will see some evidence of it in the face, posture, breathing, and vocalizations of his or her partner but neither feels the other’s pleasure. Neither experiences the endorphin rush or any of the bodily changes up to and include the release of tension that has been built up in the other's body. 


It is an irony that the goal that required the participation of each is only individually experienced and it is a result that typically ends the amorous embrace—the objective of intercourse is to end intercourse. And it does end. The rush of hormones and chemicals to the man’s brain has a soporific effect. He isn’t interested in talking. In fact he really just wants to roll over and go to sleep. If he is smart he has learned to cuddle for a while but that didn’t come naturally. 

Skilled lovers learn to accommodate each other’s desire for an orgasm. The gold standard for orgasmic excellence is the simultaneous intense climax. This is very challenging. A man typically can reach a climax rather readily and he works to delay his climax with two thoughts in mind: (1) he wants to please his wife or at least demonstrate a certain amount of stamina and (2) he wants to power up his climax by slowing down the rate of excitement so that he can steadily and gradually build to maximum intensity. A woman does not typically respond so quickly. She needs a quiet private environment and some time to relax before she will accept any amorous stimulation. Stimulation must start gently and increase slowly but frequently it must be quite forceful to finally bring her to climax. This final forcefulness can be very challenging for a man who has delayed his orgasm and can even be uncomfortable or painful if he has not. A man who ejaculates during this final intense period does not consider his orgasm to be satisfactory. In any event accommodating his wife’s various needs while focussing on his own is nearly an impossibility. 

These differences in response are very challenging to goal oriented couples. Achieving the gold standard requires a lot of personal insight, a willingness to communicate specifically and explicitly what one needs in the moment, and reasonable experience understanding where one’s partner is in his or her response. The explicit part can be excessively clinical and anti-romantic or over stimulating and counter productive. Frankly the entire act almost needs choreography based on shared experience. But the intimate organs are not as versatile as hands and feet. It takes practice to use them together and its easy to slip up. So what ought to be enormous fun, very frequently results in anxiety and disappointment. Many couples just choose to take turns, she climaxes after extended foreplay—hopefully without encouraging his orgasm— then he climaxes. And then it is over; finished; the end. 

Was this supposed to to be unitive? Is this some sort of sacrament? 

Is there another way? 

I submit that couples could have a very fulfilling experience with normal sexual intercourse if they extended it without orgasm. Certainly some degree of intensity should be sought and experienced but not so vigorously that either lose control. Perhaps it may be reasonable for a man to help his wife to experience an orgasm by various forms of foreplay but continue himself with no ejaculation. Various positions allow extending the length of intercourse without tiring either. Instead of orgasm and finality one is free to think about all the points of contact between you and your spouse’s body. Each sensation can be savored. Gentle stimulation and then allowing the intensity of the sensations to subside provide a significant measure of satisfaction. 

I prefer intercourse without my own orgasm. Ending intercourse doesn’t have any sense of finality or disconnection to it. It has a “to be continued” feel to it that draws us back together. It is extremely sensual. The most difficult aspect of this form of sexual intimacy is the first time. But that first time is a triumph that you want to repeat until one is satisfied that orgasm is no longer necessary for sexual contentment. Yes in the early days there are times when the ejaculatory inevitability is reached in spite of one’s intentions. That is fine. In time one finds that one is far more aware of one’s body and the sensations of retreat from inevitability are very fulfilling.

This isn't to say that one will never again experience orgasm but it makes the sexual experience rewarding without it. It is indeed a liberating feeling.