Liberty

One of the blessings of marriage is that it grants liberty to husband and wife to understand how God allows sexual intimacy to bless a marriage. They are free within wide bounds to explore their feelings and passions and learn for themselves how they best can express them to bless their marriage, their family and the body of Christ.

This is a huge blessing There is no need for a husband and wife to feel guilt about their sexual feelings as long as they are experienced consistently with their covenants which is that they are shared exclusively without coercion and imposition.

Men and women are only accountable to each other and God for their choices and actions in the marriage bed.

There are no forbidden caresses, touches, positions, embraces or actions in the marriage bed if husband and wife freely permit them to the other, they are exclusive to each other, and they are not obtained under any program of duress or manipulation. "That sounds like fun" is permission enough and when God hears that he pulls the blinds and does not look in on the marital act until one spouse rejects or resists the request of the other. In liberty, the consequences are the responsibility of the couple. Clearly an informed couple will reject anything that could led to pain, injury or disease. The bed is sanctified by complete and un-coerced mutuality, respect, and forbearance.

We recognize that marriage and the mutually free expression of sexual love is good. But is there better, and best in the relation of husband and wife?

I say yes. While sexual bliss may be a good of a husband and wife that is sought frequently and passionately, a better may be to master the passions and control their expression.

What might be some objectives of the exercise of some restraint and self control in the marriage bed?

In spite of marital license, it could be healthy to place oneself in the position of some other who is under constraint not to enjoy the pleasures of the marital embrace. Jesus expressed this in Matthew 19:11-12 when he said that some choose to be eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Given the Law's prohibition on castration I can hardly imagine that he meant self mutilation. Given gospel teachings on the function of the family, neither can I imagine that he meant childless celibacy. I believe that he extolled self control and consecrating ejaculation and orgasm to building the kingdom of heaven. He acknowledged that not all can receive this.  By so saying he permits the pleasure of the marriage bed but points us to a better that is available to all including those who choose marriage and experience its blessings.

Even the married can experience the blessings of that which not all can receive by the exercise of their liberty. They need not resolve every desire with orgasmic bliss. They can contain. They can fast for periods of time and then return to the bed and each other lest they be tempted for their incontinency.

By so doing, they voluntarily experience that which others under constraint actually must experience. They take upon themselves a measure of the burden that the obedient unmarried bear or the burden of someone married who cannot enjoy sexual bliss due to the illness, disability, infirmity, or absence of the spouse. No other need know of the self restraint but those who are exercising such restraint help bear the burden of the others by their voluntary suffering. They experience the pain and longing of others and can be in a better position to empathize in godly ways. Their disciplining of their bodies becomes a spiritual, unspoken, and unlauded sacrifice. It creates integrity in their teaching of chastity and self control.

Such fasting may also strengthen the marital and family bonds. How might this benefit the couple? They come to see each other not as objects for self gratification but as occasions for self restraint and forbearance. It is certainly not uncommon for couples to have asymmetric sexual desire. One wants it more than the other which creates an occasion for the less needy one to use the other's urgency as a tool for control. We frequently condemn the needy partner for objectifying the spouse with urgent desires but is there not an objectification from the other direction as the needy partner becomes the object to be controlled? With mutually agreed voluntary restraint, both relinquish the desire to control the other either by selfish demands or contingent responses to those demands.

There is more to explore in the area of voluntary fasting from orgasmic satisfaction in the marriage bed. Future blogs will explore this and the varieties of orgasmic fasting that a husband and wife may want to consider.