To chaste and virtuous brides

I address this to virtuous young women near the beginning of marriage. I hope that you and your intended have had a happy courtship. By now you should know quite a bit about him. You may not yet have discussed some of your intimate expectations. What follows may be the basis for some of the discussion.

You are on the threshold of an intimate life with a man, your husband. It’s a time of great anticipation (especially for him) mixed with not just a little trepidation (probably from you.)

Will he be pleased with your body? Will he be gentle and tender? Will you each find the release from the tensions created by desire? Will it be satisfying and fulfilling? Will it feel icky and strange, maybe even a little dirty?

Your husband probably knows quite a bit about an idealized sexual experience. There is a relatively high probability that he has seen some pornographic media and, if not hard core porn, he has looked at illustrated sex manuals and read about some authors’ superficial notions of sex. It is almost a certainty that he has, at various periods of his adolescence and young adulthood, masturbated with some frequency. He has likely experienced orgasm and ejaculation. He has associated his pleasure with idealized intimate sexual acts.

If he is a humble soul he has recognized that these behaviors were inappropriate and have given him a false view of marital intimacy and its end purposes and objectives. Now he may feel some anxiety himself about sexual release.

You have your own conceptions. You may have experienced self-pleasure but perhaps not with any fantasy of intimate union. You have been dealing with your genitals and their sexual function since your early teens or even pre-teens.  Perhaps you have felt it to be a nuisance, uncomfortable or even dirty. After all, the bible does talk about the uncleanness of the issue of blood and purification required after menstruation. You have known since menstruation started that a man’s penis inserted into your vagina could cause you to become pregnant in a most untimely way. Perhaps the risk of this caused you to build a wall around sexual feelings. You have noticed a huge amount of cultural, religious and social concern all planting a big hedge around you and your feelings.

On top of that  the external portions of urinary tract, intestinal tract and genital tract are covered by the same undergarment. However could a man find your vagina so appealing and desirable? And while you are designed for making babies you know that at a minimum it is very uncomfortable to carry a baby and painful to deliver it. You risk your life getting pregnant and the baby does not go away after delivery.

At the same time you have been told since you were little that you were pretty. Fashion advertising and women’s magazines demand that you have an adequate bosom, a nice figure, a pristine complexion, and beautiful hair so you can be sexy and alluring. You have measured yourself against an impossible ideal.

You have been acculturated to carry a huge burden of expectations around your sexuality. Society and the family have demanded that you simultaneously cultivate it and suppress it. Your mother and father want grandchildren and they want them to be sired by someone smart and able to improve your life.  They have been walking a tightrope of cultivating a sexual being who would bring them grandchildren but not mess up and deny them their progeny.

You may say that you’re cool with everything, that you’re well put together. Perhaps. But down deep there are issues maybe large and small that you will have to confront going forward.

The first reality is that the female body is designed entirely for sexual reproduction. Your body can conceive a baby, grow a baby, deliver a baby, and nurse a baby. Deny it if you will but even your mind is wired for nurturing and protecting children.

As sexual as you are, your sexual pleasure is not inherently required to fill your sexual destiny. Heaven forbid, you can conceive even against your will.

On the other hand, your husband must be aroused in order to put his penis in your vagina and once aroused he must continue by his or your vigorous efforts to receive stimulation that will end in ejaculation.

No one is surprised that you are anxious and have some ambivalent feelings about the experience. No doubt you have heard that the first time can be painful as your hymen is ruptured. There can be what seems like a significant amount of blood.

Welcome to sexual intimacy.

One hopes that he approaches you tenderly and gently. His own anxieties will probably cause him to ejaculate shortly after initiating intercourse. Consider that a small mercy. In a few days of honeymooning you’ll start to feel the stirrings of desire. His ejaculation will not be so quick but if he does ejaculate quickly take that as an opportunity. There are many ways that he can help you achieve your satisfaction.

If you are wise and he is listening, he will want to know what you need him to do to allow you to explore these feeling.

Don’t be reluctant to be explicit. Sex is like a car trip.

You can drive to your destination or he can drive to his destination with the other along for the ride. Even better you can take turns being chauffeured and he can drive you to your destination and you can take him to his destination.

Sometimes you have to take the wheel, so to speak, so that you can feel all the bumps and turns on the route. Sometimes he takes the wheel so you can observe his driving style and learn how he gets to his destination.

But as you mature you will learn how to get where you want to go from the backseat. You will train him in your preferred scenic routes and your destination. You will frequently want to let him take you to your destination. He will enjoy letting you take him to his destination. This doesn’t always happen each time you have intercourse. Some times it’s his turn, some time it’s yours and sometimes you will just want to go with him on his ride.

Here are some things you ought to know as you explore your desire, arousal and climax.

Sex isn’t dainty. Human sex usually requires more vigor and strength than the typical animal sex you have seen on nature programs. So right away you may be shocked with the carnality of intercourse. It isn’t a few dainty thrusts or hip gyrations. In particular, you may find that your orgasm requires more vigor from both of you than his. You may also find that the angle and pressure you require from his penis are more than he can handle. The result is his quick ejaculation. Ejaculation doesn’t then cause him to lose his erection. It can continue and you can keep moving for your orgasm but his penis, especially the tip, is now quite sensitive and, for him, continuing is a generous act of giving. He may not say anything because he really wants your satisfaction. It’s okay for a few times but is not endurable after a while and the body will learn to turn off the erection to avoid the pain.

This is an opportunity for you to explore other ways to achieve your satisfaction. This is an opportunity for him to develop his self control. But don’t expect that he can vigorously stimulate you with his penis for an extended period without ejaculating. It is totally unrealistic.

One thing that you must always expect of your husband is that he will respect your dignity and respect your body. Here and there, there may be an accidental ouch as you learn about each other but there is no wilful infliction of pain—ever! There is no filthiness—ever! There is no humiliation—ever! There is no pornography anywhere in a marriage—ever!

Some days you won’t feel like it. That is fine. He can wait. But hopefully those days won’t stretch into weeks or even months. If your desire wanes you need to talk to him about it and if it continues you may need to get some help from a doctor or counselor. Intimacy is a vital part of marriage and it should be a regular part of it.

But physical intimacy is only a part of marriage. You need to work together, play together, read together and talk together. Listen to your husband and speak to your husband. Tell him what is on your mind. Let him know what your concerns are. Read books that have ideas. Study the scriptures. Pray together. Learn about his family and their history. Gently help him change bad habits. Don’t reject suggestions and advice but help him learn how to give advice kindly. Love him and succor him and expect and receive his love and tenderness.

God bless you with a happy and fulfilling marriage that honors your parents and blesses you with children.