A Digital Lecture

To young married couples.

Thank you for being virtually here tonight and allowing me to address a few topics related to marriage. Tonight we will speak about intimacy and particularly differences in level of desire. We will propose some responsibilities and obligations that each spouse can undertake to reconcile their desires.

Some LDS believe that the church gives very little guidance on marital intimacy. Perhaps. On the one hand any number of leaders have spoken about the exalting and supernal nature of intimacy within marriage. Physical intimacy between husband and wife is widely acknowledged as good, necessary and vital.

On the other hand, leaders have cautioned local leaders not to pry into the private relationships between husband and wife so with proper reluctance many practical aspects of the marital relationship are not discussed and probably for the better as most of us don’t have anything terribly useful or authoritative to say about them.

Another challenge of speaking with any degree of candor on marital intimacy is that almost any church leader with any credibility as a leader almost always has had only one intimate relationship and thus anything he or she says about intimacy potentially reveals something that is fiercely private and is not to be disclosed.

Consequently standing up in front of a real audience to talk about intimacy in any day-to-day non-rhetorical way is a betrayal of a sacred trust between husband and wife.  However, just referring to the highest potential of marital intimacy and its sacramental qualities without any practical advice can come across as platitudinous and so far removed from our experience that it is, in fact, discouraging.

My purpose in this anonymous talk is to propose an approach to marital intimacy and provoke some thought on how couples can improve their relationship and enjoy the blessings of marital intimacy starting right where they are.

In these remarks I will propose a mode of interaction between husbands and wives that may help them improve their intimate relations by obliging each to one aspect of the relationship. I will not solve your problems with these remarks and recommendations. Nothing will change miraculously. 

Let’s set a baseline. I will be using a limited set of clinically correct words to describe aspects of the intimate relationship; however, I am not a physician, psychologist or therapist of any sort.  I have no ecclesiastical authority. This talk will not address the physiological details of sex. There are good books by LDS authors that you may consult.  What you “hear” virtually tonight is my opinion only and should be taken only as such.

First of all I assume you and your spouse are fundamentally a happy couple. You have occasional differences but you like and love each other and get along. You live together. You attend church and have and use temple recommends. Both of you fill at least one adult role in your marriage, whether provider, household manager, primary caregiver to children etc. Your marriage is basically happy but one or both of you feel that there is more potential for true intimacy than you are currently experiencing. You are both capable of and experience orgasmic sex but probably with some difference in desire.

Both of you practice total fidelity in your marriage and neither have any private sexual behaviors whether known or unknown to your spouse. Your sexual behaviors are all exclusive and shared with your spouse. This means that you do not bring pornography in any form to your bed. You do not share any information about your intimate relationship with parents, friends, coworkers, or siblings. You may have shared some information with professional counselors or ecclesiastical leaders only. You know the names and functions of all each other’s intimate parts. Finally, let us assume that you both sleep in the same bed and you both practice scrupulous personal hygiene.

If this isn’t the case you probably shouldn’t be here. Since this is virtual you can put down this talk and work on the things that need working on.  See priesthood leaders, get counseling and correct these behaviors, attitudes, and ignorance FIRST. Nothing that follows can help you yet.

You won’t get much out of this if you are not sharing it with your spouse so agree to do that too.

It seems likely that one of you experiences a stronger desire for intimate satisfaction than the other. It could be either of you but because culturally it tends to be the husband, I will assume that this is so throughout these remarks. If not, consider switching everything around but I suspect that this isn’t entirely symmetrical so you may need to make adjustments or find additional guidance elsewhere.

Let’s get started.

So you have been married for a few years. The excitement of intimate discovery has subsided somewhat. You men don’t get aroused just by a glimpse of her stepping out of the shower and you women aren’t afraid to wear a full length night gown to bed an a cold night. The box of Kleenex on the nightstand isn’t being replaced twice a month.

It’s bedtime. You have said your prayers and crawl under the covers. You snuggle up to each other.

He is thinking, “I wonder if she would be interested?”

She is thinking, “I am tired. It’s really nice to snuggle but I sure hope he doesn’t want sex….(again)…. tonight. We had it ….day(s) ago.”

He shifts a little.

“Oh oh! Something’s up,” she thinks.

Yup, he slips his finger into the waistband of her pajamas, stops and whispers “Okay?”

Small, very small sigh.

“Can’t he tell how tired I am,” she thinks. 

He thinks, “not that sigh again. It makes me feel dirty to ask for this. I’ll be quick.”

“Its okay” she says, “but I am a little tired. You go ahead. Enjoy yourself”

They each uncover just enough and things get started quickly. She makes a few contended moans to encourage him and she even caresses him the way he likes and pretty quickly he is done.

He hands her a tissue.

“Sorry for the mess,” he thinks. “Thanks. I love you,” he says.

They both put the clothes they removed back on, cuddle for a minute and he rolls over and starts snoring. 

And she fumes.

“Why does he always need it when I am so tired. I can’t imagine keeping up with that. At least he is quick about it.”

It’s not always this way but is this the most common mode of your intimate relationship? What is sacramental about this? It seems more like a bodily function that has to be attended to.

Wives, certainly there are times when you want it and it’s better than that but as time has passed those occasions are becoming less frequent. When you do want satisfaction it is harder and harder to get it and he seems so inept. He doesn’t know what to do. Frankly, you are not even sure you know what he should do.

So what to do? Where to start?

Before we get to the crux of the matter I need to tell you one thing. Statistically it is highly probable that your husband masturbated from his early adolescence to the night before your marriage.  Has he ever mentioned that to you? If not men, it’s time to own up to it. You may think that your frequent masturbation prepared you for marriage. It did not. Yes you learned you could have an orgasm and that you could ejaculate. Big deal. You also learned that you could have any orgasm whenever it was convenient and with whatever frequency and interval your body would allow. In fact doing it more made you want to do it more until you were sated. Hopefully pornography wasn’t a part of your masturbation but in any event you likely used whatever swimsuit images, underwear ads etc. that you could to imagine her body and fantasize how good it would be if only you could put it in that ideal vagina whatever you imagined that to be. When you were done you felt guilty.

“I wish I didn’t do this. Will I have to tell the Bishop about it? I’ll be glad when I am married.”

Surprise! Wedding night wasn’t so good was it? It wasn’t the experience you thought it would be when you had absolute and total control and didn’t need anyone else’s cooperation. She was looking at you and was frightened to death.

“It’s that big? It fits in there? That is no tampon.”

It would have been new and novel enough without your misconceived expectations and one way or another you may be reaping the consequences these years later.

She probably didn’t have any experience with masturbation and if she did it was occasional at most. She wasn’t thinking about the mechanics of intercourse and it’s unlikely she was looking at pornography.

Where am I going with this?

Husbands, many of you have learned incontinence. No, incontinence doesn’t require Depends™. Incontinence is the inability to subdue and control your physical yearning for sexual release. Were you thinking that marriage was a license to continuous instantaneous gratification? How can we expect the respect and admiration of our wives when we are always importunate?

The apostle Paul had a suggestion. He offered it merely as a suggestion. Tonight I want to reflect on his suggestion and see if it might be a step to improving your intimate relationship and moving it from function to sacrament.

Paul wrote to the Corinthians: “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”

What does this mean? Is it really true?

Here is my suggestion for interpreting Paul’s suggestion and applying it to your marriage. First I want to talk about “the husband hath not power over his body, but the wife.”

My suggestion to you brothers and sisters is that the wife takes full control over the initiation of intimate relations. The husband obliges himself to wait for his wife’s invitation. He cedes power over his body to his wife.

Let me define intimacy for the purpose of this discussion. It is a marital act that results in either one or both of the partners’ arousal and sexual satisfaction.

The wife is only responsible for initiation. Everything else is mutual.

Remember what I said about him tugging at the waistband of her pajamas? That is out. That means he is initiating intimacy. Men, any other affectionate gesture that you have used as a signal of your desire for intimacy is out. If that takes away all of your affectionate acts men then you have some serious thinking to do. You may need to reset expectations on the outcome of expressions of affection. You should certainly and frequently initiate affection.

Wives, you only need to initiate the intimacy. Once you extend the invitation it should be totally mutual. You may decide that you don’t have the stamina or desire for full satisfaction. That is fine. Initiating sex does not oblige you to experience or even seek an orgasm. More on this later.

“Whoa!” he says. “I’ll never have any fun.”

Not at all. There are two parts to this. With the agreement to initiate intimacy comes her obligation. Remember that Paul says that the wife has not power over her body but the husband. His power over you is you will both AGREE on a frequency. At a minimum, we will have sexual relations this many times a month or week. The frequency is usually set in a range: e.g. 1-2, 2-3 times per week etc.. That gives her a little flexibility and respite. But wives, if you agree, for example, to one to two times per week, it isn’t one, one, one, one for successive weeks. The lower number justifies the higher number a following week. Don’t ever go below the minimum. This is your obligation. It’s okay to go above the maximum if you want. Your frequency number isn’t a quota or upper limit but rather a lower limit.

Now sisters, you may want it to be something on the less frequent side. I suggest that you need to start out at something closer to the frequency you are currently experiencing even if the frequency is more than you really like. On the other hand, if you are only having marital relations once a month or less, then you probably need to increase it and maybe a lot. I will be judgmental here and say that in most post honeymoon marriages it will be something less than daily and something more than weekly.

But remember you get to control initiation.

This has to be good faith control. It cannot be an okay-let’s-get-it-over-with invitation while you passively lie there. If this is your likely pattern then see a therapist. Your desire may not sustain an orgasm but your invitation needs to be sincere. Even if you don’t desire an orgasm, you can make eye contact, make affectionate and admiring expressions, offer tender and well timed kisses and caresses and be responsive to his requests that enhance his experience. Sometimes, when your desire is lower, you can suggest positions or caresses that stimulate him a lot but are not as helpful for you.

However, there is no intention that your desire always be low and that you are offering maintenance sex all the time. You need to understand that, while your husband almost always requires an orgasm once aroused, his satisfaction is heightened when you offer yourself to him for your satisfaction. A man has no sensual pleasure greater than a satisfied wife. Period.

Brothers, this is going to be challenging. No sex on demand. Get over it. What do you give up? Not that much--immediate but probably not fully satisfactory gratification. You have probably noticed that sex several times in relatively quick succession doesn’t lead to a more satisfactory orgasm. If fact it becomes increasingly hollow and perfunctory.

What do you get?

1. A welcoming invitation to share an intimate act.
2. Her acceptance of your masculinity
3. Her acknowledgement of the righteousness of your desires.
4. An opportunity to prayerfully request divine help in maintaining continence.
5. A measure of self control and godly confidence in your divine powers over your body

There are other benefits that will come in time. Your orgasms will become more satisfactory. Instead of the “I’ll be quick” thought pattern you will be free to express your desires for stimulation and variety that will make this a better experience.  You will learn to draw it out and control the pacing of your arousal and satisfaction so that the result even more satisfying. What else do you get? Your wife will trust you more with her satisfaction when you have more self-control.

But there is a spiritual value that transcends any physical benefit.  I have three relatives that lived for years with invalid wives. They didn’t start out invalid. They each had good-sized families but well before middle age illness and disease crippled their wives. They could have divorced. They could have been unfaithful. I am not aware of the accommodations that were made to provide intimate satisfaction and accommodations within their covenants were possible, but it is certain that, in time, there were no intimate relations while the men were still vigorous. I reflect on the lives of these heroes and ask myself, “Were I placed in a similar spot how would I endure?” Our sexual capacities are God given and glorious but we can be called upon by the circumstances of life to not exercise them. How can we look our single brothers and sisters who are covenanted to chastity in the eye if we cannot exercise some self-control?

What about you women? Your anxiety about another unwelcome imposition will be over. Now that you have control you can plan. You can send him a text at work and say something like “thinking of you. Let’s get the dishes done and the playroom cleaned up and the kids to bed early and see if we can warm up our bed.” Don’t think that will get him focused? He won’t be putting in too much unpaid overtime that night.  If your husband is too thick to understand what that means, he needs some help.

What about a goodbye kiss at the door on the morning he goes golfing and the phrase “I’ll be coming to bed tonight with nothing on under my nightie” whispered in his ear. He’ll be home after nine holes to help with the chores. His game will be shot anyway. You will find that the earlier you issue the invitation the more thoughtful he will be. He is headed out after supper to a quorum presidency meeting. As you sit down to supper you can whisper “hurry home, I have a surprise.” He’ll clear the table and load the dishwasher before he leaves. He’ll start having well planned agendas at the meeting as well.

He calls late to tell you that he has a big project with a tight deadline and you tell him that you appreciate how he applies his penetrating intellect at work for the family’s security but to wake you up when he comes in and share a penetrating experience with you. You’ll be amazed at how this increases efficiency at the office.

You have a Relief Society meeting. On your way out you tell him that you’re looking forward to a back rub tonight with lotion. If he has an ounce of brains the dishes will be done, the toys picked up and the kids ready for bed by the time you get home.

But here is the risk. It may not happen that way. Don’t renege on the deal and don’t make sex contingent on the chores. If he can’t figure out what you need help on his own tell him what you need help on. Don’t be afraid to tell him that you would appreciate it if he would vacuum the living room floor and make sure the kids are bathed and the upstairs garbage is taken out.  In any event an early invitation may give you the day or evening to mentally get ready for intimacy including plans for his assistance.

Some women may feel a reluctance to be the initiator of intimacy. This reluctance is natural and cultural but asking a wife to take the lead may be the reciprocal challenge to asking the husband to allow her to take the lead. Its part of her natural woman to overcome just like asking him to give up a more aggressive role is a challenge for him to overcome his natural man.  

Some of you may feel that now you are now the beggar for sex. I suspect that you don’t really understand men. Every time you lie down together there is a yes at the tip of his tongue. His most likely thought is, “I was hoping you would ask.”  If he refuses intimacy more than once in a blue moon just acknowledge that he gave up one turn in the frequency cycle. You offered. You’re only obliged to make it up if and when you want to and when he has exhausted himself for the benefit of you and the family. Rain checks should be really rare. Guys, remember she initiates intimacy. Don’t try to get it back.

Okay here is a little aside. Guys, don’t treat this as a bargaining for sex discussion. It isn’t crass. She is your wife not your playmate. Sex is the culmination of a well-ordered relationship. The relationship includes earning a living, caring for a home, raising children etc. These are all worthy preoccupations of a good wife. Now we are asking her to put her heart on the line for you by agreeing to a frequency. What will you give back? As I see it, it’s a minor amount of godly restraint and a huge amount of kindness and family service.

Also, keep in mind that making an early invitation is a big gamble for her. She doesn’t know if the baby will be sick tonight or that the sink will be clogged. It may get postponed. But you can see what you can do to keep it from happening. If you can’t be responsive to the implications of an early invitation, the invitation will come once your head has hit the pillow and for sure it won’t be as good as it could have been.

One more thing sisters: sometimes his need is just too urgent and he can’t wait. Paul does say that we are not to tempt Satan with our incontinency.  Hopefully you’ll find his need affirming. He needs you. Enjoy it. Guys you do need her.  Hopefully you can be satisfied with the frequency but when you can’t don’t treat it as a failure. This isn’t a contest of wills. You are human. Be tender and grateful. Never turn elsewhere!

I have no intention of discussing the particulars of the intimacy. Since an invitation was offered and verbalized hopefully you can verbalize other desires mutually.

There are limitations to worthy behavior in the marriage bed. There are no impositions permitted to the marriage bed. All marital acts require mutual consent. Here is a priority for evaluating intimate marital acts:

1. You both enjoy it.
2. It doesn’t hurt or injure and is hygienic.
3. It doesn’t disgust or offend either partner
4. She needs it for her satisfaction
5. It could enhance his satisfaction

Sisters, there are many ways to achieve your satisfaction and you need to work as husband and wife to discover them. Don’t place unreasonable boundaries on the acts you will accept from your husband. God both gave you the capacity for satisfaction and didn’t necessarily optimize your husband’s genitals for your satisfaction while he is achieving his. Instead he gave both of you brains and imagination.

Okay we have got a start going. Wives, you will initiate intimacy. Husbands and wives, you will both agree on a frequency. A frequency is not a schedule. DO NOT set up a schedule together. That is the wife’s right exclusively. Don’t even set an implied schedule. Temple night and date night don’t have to be intimacy nights nor do they have to be no intimacy nights.

From time to time you need to revisit the frequency. This discussion is initiated and led by the wife. Perhaps it can happen on your once a month trip to the temple.  She asks if the frequency is satisfactory. If she feels that the frequency is unsustainable then she brings it up at this time. In fact he should ask her if it is too much. There are lots of things to discuss. Are you both having fun? Is it too much, too little etc.? And so on. If she misses a month on initiating the discussion its okay for him to bring it up the next month. However, sisters avoid yielding the start of this discussion to him. He shouldn’t be back in the importuning mode.

I am fairly confident that if men will practice continence and women will initiate marital intimacy on an agreed frequency (not schedule) that you will both come to understand the keys to your satisfaction. Don’t have unrealistic expectations of each other. Read the books by LDS professionals. Pray together. Study the scriptures together. Devote yourselves to the Lord and to your children and above all surrender yourselves to each other. You can reconcile your desires in righteousness in your journey to becoming the couple God means for you to be.