To the bridegrooms on the eve of their marriage

Young men:

I have some thoughts for you on the beginning of your marriage. You have found a young woman you love and you are about to be married. Up to now, you have had a lot of fun together and perhaps you have even had some difficulties as you hashed out issues of money, housing and family. Hopefully these issues are settled. You know each others debts, you know a lot about each others likes and dislikes, you have had some tender talks about family and future. Perhaps you have even discussed the intimate relationship that you are about to experience.

I expect that you don't know much and I also hope that you recognize that what you do know is irrelevant.

Until you are in an intimate relationship, you don't know anything about an intimate relationship.


What I say next won't help that much but it may allow you to set aside some misconceptions.

You have probably seen some porn.  In all likelihood you have masturbated regularly since you were in your early teens. Porn and masturbation are not primers for marriage. They are both anti-relationship.

Porn is fantasy sex. It does not exist. It is no more real than Superman or Batman or any of the other fantasy characters from your childhood. Porn is an enormous lie. Even the porn stars are not having fantasy sex in the images you have seen. It hurts, the positions are impossible, the acts themselves are revolting, and the gaze of onlookers is totally shaming. Porn performers are notoriously alcohol and drug addicted and suicide is not rare. You cannot find any woman who would do any of that with you. On the odd chance that you did you would find her disgusting and she would have no respect for you. She would use you and throw you away like you used porn.

Masturbation is also fantasy sex. Available whenever and however, your pace, your pressure etc. There is nothing in it about someone else and her needs and capacity.

You may find your wedding night to be a bit disappointing. You need to start now to turn this around. If you are still using porn stop entirely and postpone your wedding until this is not a problem. Stop masturbating now. You must resolve that it will never be part of your marriage.

You are marrying a chaste young woman who has an attraction to you. She is excited about the onset of married life but probably has a little trepidation about physical intimacy too. She has spent many years overly self conscious about her body. Fashion, friends, and family all create expectations that both encourage and discourage her interest. She has known since she reached puberty that she was a sexual being designed for baby making and baby raising. Sex is her life but she doesn't want to dwell on that. Ironically, you have but one purpose in sexual reproduction—insemination— yet you dwell on it constantly.

Its time to start remaking your head. Your most important priority is exercising self control. Marriage is not sex on demand, anywhere and anyhow. It is respect, restraint, tenderness, affection, kindness and consideration.

You cannot sustain that if you continue to have a private sex life (porn and masturbation and heaven forbid anything else). Your sex life must be totally and exclusively mutual with her and only her. If you want her respect and affection you earn it by tenderness and wholesome affection. Your job in natural married life is to provide security for her, physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. She needs to know that she is loved and cherished. She wants your presence but she also wants your effort to support and sustain the family. She wants your integrity in dealing with others. She wants your follow through on your commitments. She wants your spiritual engagement.

God bless you as you learn to turn off your instant feel-good urge and become a true man who is all that his bride expects him to be.